For the past 30 years, a furious debate has raged over how children should be disciplined by parents, with a special focus on how fathers should discipline their sons. One argument, represented by the post WWII generation of fathers, held that the small crimes of boyhood should be met with swift corporal, physical punishment, necessary to build young men of character. The more current view, probably an outgrowth of the 1960's liberalism, argued for a more nurturing and gentle approach, including reasoning and "timeouts" with elaborate explanations to help young children discover better behavior on their own terms. In fact, today, the latter, liberal approach to discipline is accepted as the correct way, with many considering the former approach almost "child abuse."
Reading that last sentence with the wisdom of our late teens, my brothers and I can only laugh. You see, we grew up with a father who rationalized his "tough love" by quoting the Bible, as if he wrote it just the day before. His favorite was Proverbs 13:24: "He that spareth his rod hateth his son." However, also being a man of education greatly influenced by my mom's library worth of modern parenting books, he had treated his first born and my oldest brother, Pete, like a reincarnated Baby Socrates. Little did we know how much the arrival of my brother, Billy, and I (only 22 months apart) would allow our Dad to return to his better judgment and make him say, "Screw the liberal parenting approach; the 1940's were right all along."
To more fully examine the complex societal and child raising debates, I will illustrate below some important passages from parenting "experts" and contrast those with my Dad's battle-tested ideas of "expertise."
“‘Punishment’ may alienate family members.” – Sal Sever, Ph.D.
At this point we were still living in the house on Holly Hill Lane, so I couldn’t have been over 7 years old. Back then, still too small to engage in any sort of real tackle football, my brothers and I played knee football in the living room (formerly the garage my dad transformed). In a weird, yet in my humble opinion, genius mix of Bill’s second grade education and my typical kindergarten imagination (along with an insufficient knowledge of professional sports), instead of simply being Terrell Davis vs. Gilbert Brown, he was Stegosaurus while I was Triceratops.
In this mini Knee Football League (KFL) - with a Jurassic twist – we simply played 1-on-1, with an oriental rug substitute for the famous Veteran’s stadium turf. One day, though, on a complete Kool-Aid/Ice Pop high, the typically one-sided game became a little more even.
Fifteen minutes into the game, I scored my first TD since the previous summer. Bill, known at that age for his extreme temper tantrums and complete incapacity for any form of self control, immediately punched a hole through the first thing he saw; in this case, the screen door to the outside.
So for scoring my first KFL touchdown, I was rewarded not the game ball, not a plaque or recognition at the post game press conference, not even a 7-11 Slurpee. Because I had a brother whose restraint matched that of an uncaged lion in the gazelle section of the Philadelphia Zoo, my reward was a 45 pushup sentence, administered equally by my dad to both perpetrator (Bill) and innocent victim (yours truly).
Two weeks later, still pissed off at my brother for my set of sore shoulders, I demonstrated my feelings not through eye contact, but rather through simple contact. As he drove past me towards our Fischer-Price basket, I whipped around and drilled him into the back, sending his face straight into the rim. The blood on the ground and the hole where his teeth used to be signified nothing more to me than reprisal. In the heat of the moment, especially with 8-year-old kids, cooler heads never prevail. English poet Samuel Johnson once said, “
Revenge is an act of passion; vengeance of justice. Injuries are revenged; crimes are avenged.” That phrase defined exactly my feelings at the time.
“‘Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.’ –Don’t use. Not a moral [use of punishment].”- Philip Osborne
Other kids had this thing call “time out” that was supposedly a “punishment.” I guess my brothers and I read a different dictionary, because our two-word substitution for “punishment” was called “free shot.” The free shot was only allowed by my dad in those cases where he was “sure” that blame could be assigned to only one of us (usually Bill for picking on me, or Pete for picking on either of us). In those rare cases, the victim was allowed one free shot on the perpetrator. For example, if my dad only saw one side of a fight, he’d deem the older one guilty for picking on his little brother (although it was usually the younger who instigated it). Finally, the “full nelson hold” was placed on the guilty party by the neutral party (the third brother not involved), while the victim could throw a shot anywhere below the chin and above the belt (this punishment stopped once we developed muscles).
“Don’t use punishment to humiliate a child”- Louise Bates Ames, Ph.D.
My dad would agree with A.C. Benson when he said: “Little boys are odd, tiresome creatures…with savage instincts; and I suppose many fathers feel that, if they are to maintain their authority, they must be a little distant and inscrutable.”
Honestly, based on what I remember from my childhood, I would agree with that too. The Vernon boys were famous throughout the community for being the physical, out of control trio, who at any moment, over any issue, could break out into a brawl. Our family friends called us the “Bruise Brothers,” and found it funny anytime a pushup “contest” followed a little sparring session. Fortunately, they all knew my dad for who he actually was; the third oldest from a family of six, a Chicago kid who grew up running from “the belt,” and a father who knew some fights and pushups wouldn’t damage our psyche. Unfortunately, the moms at the grocery store didn’t know that.
-“What you are doing to those boys is humiliating and abusive.”
-“I can’t wait to see how they turn out”, (followed by a little scoff-like noise).
-“They are just little boys!”
All were common phrases mumbled under your typical desperate housewife’s breath as they walked past us doing pushups in the grocery store. Arguments between my brothers and me over which cereal to get erupted, as most of our arguments did, into a mini wrestling match in Aisle 6. But my dad’s rules applied inside or outside Holly Hill Lane. Ironically, I’m convinced the comments were exactly what my dad was shooting for. Okay, while not humiliating and abusive, I think he knew that there was a link between muscle-memory and behavior change. There is something swift and lasting about dozens of pushups that a quiet timeout can’t touch.
Clearly, my father had a much different approach to his sons than many others. An aspect of his personality that can’t be explained through stories is his everlasting patience. He dealt with three athletic, physical, aggressive boys whose idea of a high was the showing of dominance over a peer. We lived for the scratches, the sweat, the fatigue felt after a fight, whether it be a battle won with pigskin or one with fists. Literally every day during a span of 8-9 years, punishment was dealt out in the form of pushups. We all had the Macbeth-syndrome, trying to be the best, going to any measure to destroy the opponents.
Eventually, we learned a lesson no amount of timeouts could teach us. The combination of religious teachings, stories of brotherhood, and suffering through punishments taught us competition is okay, separation is not. Sparring and rivalry is fine; it’d be unnatural not to do that. But for us, my dad explained that no crime is greater than the division of that brotherly bond. Every pushup was done with my brothers next to me. If I played soft in a game, not giving my full effort, every lap I ran around the house was with Billy two steps ahead. Never mind the stitches my brother needed for the rim incident, anger is a byproduct of sport; I was the first one to make sure he was alright.
In Eric Miller’s “Theodicy in New Brunswick,” the speaker describes overwhelming guilt due to a lack of punishment. My dad never subjected me to that type of pain. Guilt and shame, that’s real punishment, far worse than any supposed corporal punishment or child abuse.
For us, pushups were no punishment. They were simply a reminder; telling us we could fight, but no more. The real punishment would come if we ever asked, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” (Genesis 4:9).
The most commonly told story by my dad was of Father Flanagan’s Boys Town. One winter day, two orphan brothers showed up at his doorstep, the older carrying the younger miles through a snowstorm. The Father let them both in, amazed at the strength of the older, claiming the younger must have been a burden as he carried him. To that, the older replied “He ain’t heavy, Father – he’s my brother!”
I have heard that story - no lie - at least 150 times in my life, and only recently realized that it was usually told just after the “pushup sentence” was served by the Bruise Brothers.